If you are having problems in your relationship with an intimate partner, you may decide counseling can resolve your issues and save you from ending your relationship. However, if you are new to therapy, it can be difficult to tell if your sessions with a counselor are improving your relationship. This is because counseling is a slow process rather than a quick fix for most relationships. Below are five signs your couples counseling is working.
You Communicate Better With Your Partner
One of the most basic components of counseling is working on the way you and your partner communicate. Within the first few sessions, your counselor should help you identify communication problems and give you tools to increase your positive communication. Some signs of healthy communication include:
- Being able to identify when there is a misunderstanding.
- Using active listening to make sure you understand your partner and they understand you.
- Fewer interruptions.
- The ability to determine the proper time and place for a variety of discussions.
- Recognizing when you have said or are about to say something out of anger or passive aggression.
While your communication may not be perfect, you should see signs of improvement during early counseling sessions.
You Feel Like You Have More Choices Within Your Relationship
While some counselors focus on interpersonal skills, others focus on problem solving skills. If you start counseling out of desperation, thinking your only two options are a miserable relationship or divorce, your counselor may help you identify other options. Your counselor should help you and your partner identify concrete sources of tension and stress within your relationship and teach you ways to create options for dealing with those problems.
If you feel less trapped in your relationship and more optimistic about trying new things in the future, your counseling is probably having a positive effect on you and your partner.
You Recognize Your Own Responsibility In Your Relationship
By the time many couples start counseling, they are so frustrated with their relationship and their partner that they blame the majority of their problems on the other person. However, often both partners contribute to difficulties in a relationship. If, after counseling, you are able to recognize when you are contributing positively to your relationship and when you are contributing negatively to it, your counseling is probably working.
Being able to control your negative actions is an advanced skill. The first step is recognizing them and interrupting negative actions such as nagging, abandonment, the silent treatment, or yelling as they happen.
You Recognize Which Problems are Yours and Which Belong to the Relationship
Often, relationships fail because there are personal problems an individual is experiencing. These problems are generally rooted in the person's past and have a negative affect on the current relationship. It is important for these problems to be dealt with individually before the relationship can be successful. Many counselors will insist on one or two individual sessions before beginning couples counseling to determine if there are individual issues needing to be resolved.
Once you can separate your individual problems from problems in the relationship, it is easier to increase your positive communication and problem solving skills. You may find you need individual counseling more than couples counseling.
Your Positive Feelings Towards Your Partner and Relationship Are Increasing
A relationship cannot work if there are not positive feelings between the two people involved. Over time, you should notice you are having more positive feelings towards your partner and your relationship in general. As these feelings increase, the frustrated and angry feelings should naturally decrease.
If you do not think your counseling is working, it is important to discuss your opinion with your counselor. You may need to find a different counselor or take a different approach to your counseling sessions.
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